10. On his toddler sons, currently living with him, to E!:
“They run around and they’re as fun as you can imagine. They say ‘Dada’ and run into walls. And Dada is cool, but when they run into walls I say, ‘Don’t do that, that’s retarded.’”
9. On a long-ago alleged altercation with an ex-girlfriend, to Piers Morgan:
“Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed ... She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”
8. On his “Two and a Half Men” producers, to E!:
“They can’t hang with me, their bones would melt like wax.”
7. On how “hot” ex-wife Denise Richards helps him, to ABC:
“Shows up looking the way she does. Look at her. Wow! Everybody’s winning. Boom!”
6. On when his kids get old enough to learn about his escapades:
"I hope they say, 'Dad, fill in the blanks.This [bleep]'s gnarly."
5. On his battle with CBS and Warner Brothers, to NBC:
"They're trying to destroy my family, so I take great umbrage with that. And defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock."
4. On his carefree spending, to TMZ:
"Blame the studio for giving me this much dough knowing who they were giving to."
3. On his otherworldliness, to NBC:
"I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."
2. On sobriety, to ABC:
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?"
1. When asked by NBC whether he's sober:
"Look at me! Duh!"
